Monday, October 8, 2007

Poll says OJ Simpson Loved by Blacks, Hated by Whites

A new poll released today shows that whites and blacks still have very different viewpoints about OJ Simpson.

73% of white people responded that they're still mad about the verdict in 1995 and they will be happy and relieved to see that killer serve some time in prison for whatever charges they can get to stick.

89% of black people interviewed in the poll said that if the sports items in that hotel room belonged to OJ, then he damn sure had a right to go in there with all types of guns and shit and take back what's his. Shoo. That same 89% added that if that was my shit in that hotel room, shit, I woulda been having my sports memorabilia back; that's my word yo.

94% of white people said that they can't understand what's wrong with black people. OJ did it. That's all there is to it, bud. The DNA evidence is irrefutable.

88% of black people said Yeah I know OJ did it, but I don't give a shit. Black people always be going to jail just because we black. Damn, I hate white people.

68% of white people responded that they are secretly afraid of all black people except Bryant Gumbel. And the 68% then noted that they sure wouldn't like to run into Lil Jon on a dark street at night. And 20% of those reponders added (facetiously) "O-Kayyyy."

90% of black women were happy that OJ only dates white women. They said that's one brother white bitches can have.

82% of white men wondered if it's true what they say about black men's dicks. While only 11% of white women still need to wonder about that question.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Why Does OJ Like White Chicks So Much?

I woke up today in sort of a Cartesian mood and so I decided to tackle the most challenging question I could think of. Why does the Juice dig the white broads?

At the surface level, the obvious answer is that white women are easy to kill. Quite simply, they are the easiest of all women to put into the ground. In fact, research has shown that on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being "extremely easy to kill" and 5 being "if you try to kill her you might end up the dead one") that white women earned the highest rating of 1. Middle Eastern women received a 2 rating, Indian women got a 3, Chinese and Latinas both received 4's, and black women turn out to be the hardest to kill with a 5 rating. Several other recent data-driven studies actually show that you'd better be damn sure of yourself before you even raise your voice around a black woman.

However, I wanted to look deeper into the question of why OJ digs the beckies so much. I began to study extensive video footage and also read thousands of articles about OJ's life. I paid close attention to his clothing, mannerisms, tastes, habits, lifestyle choices, etc. What I have determined is that OJ is far more Italian than he is black. When you really do a close examination of the guy, you don't get "black" coming from him at all. He doesn't go to black restaurants, bars, clubs, lounges. He doesn't hang out in black towns (Chicago, New York, Atlanta), but rather he likes Italian towns (Vegas, Fort Lauderdale, Palm Beach, Brentwood). He never wears a suit in a color such as gold or olive, but rather wears black or grey suits. He smokes cigars rather than Newports. He doesn't drink Hennessy. And the most determinative fact that made me conclude that OJ is far more Italian than he is black: he does his killing with a knife. Now that's Italian. Maybe instead of Juice, we should call him the Big Ragu.