Monday, October 8, 2007

Poll says OJ Simpson Loved by Blacks, Hated by Whites

A new poll released today shows that whites and blacks still have very different viewpoints about OJ Simpson.

73% of white people responded that they're still mad about the verdict in 1995 and they will be happy and relieved to see that killer serve some time in prison for whatever charges they can get to stick.

89% of black people interviewed in the poll said that if the sports items in that hotel room belonged to OJ, then he damn sure had a right to go in there with all types of guns and shit and take back what's his. Shoo. That same 89% added that if that was my shit in that hotel room, shit, I woulda been having my sports memorabilia back; that's my word yo.

94% of white people said that they can't understand what's wrong with black people. OJ did it. That's all there is to it, bud. The DNA evidence is irrefutable.

88% of black people said Yeah I know OJ did it, but I don't give a shit. Black people always be going to jail just because we black. Damn, I hate white people.

68% of white people responded that they are secretly afraid of all black people except Bryant Gumbel. And the 68% then noted that they sure wouldn't like to run into Lil Jon on a dark street at night. And 20% of those reponders added (facetiously) "O-Kayyyy."

90% of black women were happy that OJ only dates white women. They said that's one brother white bitches can have.

82% of white men wondered if it's true what they say about black men's dicks. While only 11% of white women still need to wonder about that question.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Why Does OJ Like White Chicks So Much?

I woke up today in sort of a Cartesian mood and so I decided to tackle the most challenging question I could think of. Why does the Juice dig the white broads?

At the surface level, the obvious answer is that white women are easy to kill. Quite simply, they are the easiest of all women to put into the ground. In fact, research has shown that on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being "extremely easy to kill" and 5 being "if you try to kill her you might end up the dead one") that white women earned the highest rating of 1. Middle Eastern women received a 2 rating, Indian women got a 3, Chinese and Latinas both received 4's, and black women turn out to be the hardest to kill with a 5 rating. Several other recent data-driven studies actually show that you'd better be damn sure of yourself before you even raise your voice around a black woman.

However, I wanted to look deeper into the question of why OJ digs the beckies so much. I began to study extensive video footage and also read thousands of articles about OJ's life. I paid close attention to his clothing, mannerisms, tastes, habits, lifestyle choices, etc. What I have determined is that OJ is far more Italian than he is black. When you really do a close examination of the guy, you don't get "black" coming from him at all. He doesn't go to black restaurants, bars, clubs, lounges. He doesn't hang out in black towns (Chicago, New York, Atlanta), but rather he likes Italian towns (Vegas, Fort Lauderdale, Palm Beach, Brentwood). He never wears a suit in a color such as gold or olive, but rather wears black or grey suits. He smokes cigars rather than Newports. He doesn't drink Hennessy. And the most determinative fact that made me conclude that OJ is far more Italian than he is black: he does his killing with a knife. Now that's Italian. Maybe instead of Juice, we should call him the Big Ragu.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Transcript of OJ in the Vegas hotel room

OJ Simpson: Hello, it's room service (while knocking on door)

Alfred Beardsley: Come on in.

Bruce L. Fromong: Hey, you guys are not room service. Get out of here. And can you take these towels with you?

OJ Simpson: We are not room service or maid service. We have deadly weapons including firearms. We are conducting a self-organized sting operation intended to retrieve sports memorabilia and simultaneously search for Nicole's real killers.

Alfred Beardsley: Please, we are innocent sports memorabilia dealers who have obtained troves of trivial and ridiculous items semi-legally in some cases. And while these items should, by all that's right and good, be entirely worthless, we plan to sell them to tremendous losers for actual money.

OJ Simpson: And, where were you the night Nicole and Ron Goldman were savagely murdered?

Alfred Beardsley: I don't remember.

OJ Simpson: Aha!!!!

Alfred Beardsley: Wait, wait. I do remember. I was at a baseball card convention in Cincinatti. I have hotel receipts that can prove it.

OJ Simpson: That proves nothing - the real proof will be in the pudding. Now try pudding on this glove.

Alfred Beardsley: (trying on glove) It doesn't fit.

OJ Simpson: Okay, that is irrefutable proof you're not the real killers. But, our self-organized sting is not over. We also have a moral duty to confiscate any questionable sports memorabilia.

Bruce L. Fromong: What exactly is a "self-organized sting operation?"

OJ Simpson: We are sort of like the A-Team. Did you ever see the A-Team? Great show. I actually got two-call backs for the Mr. T role, but in the end they said I wasn't black enough. We'll see who's black now. Now hand over the Spizzle Memorabizzle.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Here We Go Again: Another OJ Trial (heretofore known as OJ2)

Get ready folks. This is it - what we've all been waiting for. And this time, we can really do it up right. This time we've got more news shows, more gossip shows, the Daily show, webcasts, blogs, iphones, the works. We can make it bigger than it was before: bigger, faster, more divisive.

I don't know about you, but I have missed the OJ trial. I wish it never ended. All the drama, insanity, fun, racial tension, late night comedy, the Judge Ito dancers, and especially Cato. I think he should host a CourtTV or maybe a VH1 show during this new fiasco. Maybe he could co-host with Flavor-Flav. Maybe the show could be called "Juice Deuce."

We as a nation have waited patiently for 13 long years, desperately trying to keep ourselves occupied with Michael Jackson, Baretta, JonBenet Ramsey and Anna Nicole Smith. And except for the day MJ danced on the roof of his SUV outside his trial, it's all been one huge yawn. We've longed for the days when we could watch a white Bronco drive 25 miles an hour on an LA freeway. I believe that America could have intently watched that Bronco chase for weeks (if the cops would have let him stop for gas every few hours). It was exactly like "The Truman Show" when Jim Carey was sailing toward the end of the world. Well folks, our wait is about to be over. It proves that if you truly want something, and you are patient and virtuous, then the universe will provide. Juice Deuce is finally here.

Note to self - I need to trademark the term "Juice Deuce."

I only wish that OJ2 could have also started with a low-speed Bronco chase. Maybe it's not too late for them to work one in.

And remember, you can get minute to minute updates everyday right here at

Recycle and Reuse OJ jokes

It's time for the tv and radio comedians to dust off and polish up the old terrible OJ jokes and get em ready for recycling.

Here's a few of the horrible oldies to warm you up before the onslaught (watch late-night television tonight). None of these are funny, but all the good Juice jokes were told by Chris Rock, and they don't come across in written form.

How many O.J. Simpsons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
OJ had no time to screw in a light bulb because he was too busy savagely murdering Nicole and Ron Goldman and cutting them up into little pieces.

What was the last thing O.J. said to Nicole?
"Your waiter will be right with you."

What is the slogan of Cato Kaelin's new limo company?
We get you to the airport with time to kill.

What's the difference between OJ and KFC?
At KFC they cut up the chicks before they batter them.

Why were so many people in L.A. dissapointed by the O.J. verdict?
They already had new TV sets picked out!

What does OJ still have in common with his old team the Buffalo Bills?
They both murder the Browns.

One of Chris Rock's jokes went something like this:
Ron Goldman was driving around town in OJ's car, fucking OJ's wife and in a house OJ was paying the mortgage on. Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.

Post your old and new, funny and unfunny OJ jokes in a comment. Or, if you have any good jokes about Britney's vagina, please post those as well.

OJ is Back Baby

Judge Ito, dust off your robes dude, it's on again. It's on and poppin.

There will be some important legal issues tested in this case, such as the constitutionality of the law which states that all white people think OJ should be locked up and black people think he should be playing golf with Charles Barkley.

And the Juice has once again vowed that he won't rest until he finds the real Vegas hotel sports memorabilia robbers.